Cleansing your body often comes with the added benefit of cleansing the mind, and today I'm thinking about an experience I had before the new year arrived.
Back in January, as one year made its last stand and the new year calmly sauntered into the door, a good friend and lovely woman asked the question,
“What is your word for this year?”
I was honestly stumped. No word stood out as a beacon to follow as I prepare to crawl, run, walk, and sometimes stumble through another highly-anticipated year of change.
But one word for sure came up as one to totally eliminate from my vocabulary: SHOULD.
I spent much of my past talking about what I should do. I should take that class. I should read that book. I should spend more time trying to X, Y, and Z. At times, it was utterly exhausting. I even found myself doing it again on New Years Eve — virtually chastising myself for not bringing in the new year a certain way.
Any woman carrying a painful history of being criticized, shamed, blamed, and told what to do in not-so-subtle ways can testify to the power of SHOULD. We know what it’s like to hear the word SHOULD and jump into action — a conditioned response — to make sure we’re behaving in ways that garner approval and earn the love we long to receive.
I took the long way around the block, but I came to understand SHOULD as one of the most powerful yet subtle ways others project their traumas, fears, beliefs, insecurities, and utter bullshit onto self and others.
“You should be a doctor.” “You should leave that man.” “You should go shopping. It will make you feel better.”
While friends, loved ones, and even strangers may have the best intentions, their SHOULDs represent a closet full of baggage packed with issues they need to sort, cleanse, and dispose of for themselves.
The word SHOULD poses as advice while serving as a barrier to the power of sovereign conscious choices. SHOULD distracts us from contemplating and entertaining options that speak to our core beliefs, tap into our deepest desires, and unleash our greatest gifts.
Let’s play a game. The next time somebody tells you something you should do (and yes, this includes the times you say it to yourself), ask them/you one of the following questions and watch them (or you!) squirm:
That’s an interesting suggestion. Why do you believe that will work for me?
Thanks for the input. I’d love to hear how taking that advice has worked in your life.
That may be terrific feedback. How do you see that suggestion playing out for my good in the end?
Hmmm… What makes you say that?
Terrific. Do you mind sharing how you think that will benefit me more than any other option?
Do you have a personal experience that prompted that suggestion — one that involves freedom and peace — not pain and fear?
I’m curious… What do you believe it would say about me if I didn’t act on that advice?
Some folks may be surprised when you volley that ball back into their court. Heck, many may be visibly shaken by the idea of examining their own underlying motives. In the end, you’ll both learn something about yourselves and each other. And watch how powerful it is when that conversation is with yourself.
I left SHOULD behind when I decided there was no right way to bring in a new year. I didn’t have to eat black eyed peas. I didn’t have to read, or sleep, or count down, or do any of the things I was once told I should be doing. I relaxed the unnecessary demands, let myself off the hook, and simply enjoyed what it meant to exist in the moment and savor the gift of life.
How would your world change if you removed the word SHOULD from your vocabulary?
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